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I was just wondering, how come dogs don’t use any toilet paper and yet don’t have a problem with hemorrhoids? Or is it toilet paper that causes hemorrhoids? Nevermind cats because as you may have observed, they have a way of grooming themselves hygienically the whole day by using their paws in all sorts of acrobatic feats that would shame a Nadia Comaneci.
Hemorrhoids have always plagued our family ever since I can remember. For instance, I have a brother, much younger than me, who has had to undergo the painful surgical operation twice already to remove those irritating little things hanging around his bottom. It seems it has to do in part with our bad habit of doing most of our serious intellectual reading or meditations while seated on our throne and trying to recycle some of our garbage in what has become one of our common family traits or idiosycracies. What I imagine must be even more annoying to the other relatives is when we start exchanging notes at table during our monthly family potlucks on some of the home-grown remedies we have “discovered” of late on how to cure or control this irritating medical condition.
Speaking of which, if anybody is interested, I do have my own simple, painless, tried-and-tested, home-grown remedy for managing hemorrhoids without the use of any medication, commercial ointment or cream much less undergoing some expensive and/or painful medical procedure. However, I can only share it privately or by email (for free) since some people might find it rather distasteful to discuss it in public. Either that or I could be charged with practicing medicine without a license.
Hemorrhoids must be as old as civilization. Why do you think the Greeks had invented a term for this problem? I believe it all started when man began to spend an inordinate amount of time seated in the comforts of his own private little room, one of the very few times when the wife and children leave him completely alone while he disposed and recycled his garbage, all the while contemplating the solutions to some world problems, if only to distract his attention from the rather unpleasant odor which accompanies this basic bodily function. While some may find it rather relaxing and relieving, it is also easy to see that the whole routine puts an undue stress and strain on the bottom parts of the body otherwise known as the rectal region. Varicose veins in the rectal mucous membranes become engorged or swollen, loose and eventually and chronically distended.
Thus was born another lucrative field of medical practice calledproctology, a fancy term doctors coined from “proktos,” which is Greek for the anus or rectum. So, what’s wrong with calling it “anus” for goodness sake? Nothing, but it doesn’t sound as dignified, we’re told, as if mouthing some Greek terminology makes it more appealing and acceptable. If truth be told, many professionals like to resort to some high-sounding foreign terms to inject some ”mystery” or even mysticism into what would otherwise be a mundane if distasteful task. The better to justify their exorbitant professional fees. Even priests, mechanics, shamans, and yes – lawyers- have been known to use this ploy. A lawyer just has to intone “res ipsa loquitur” and that’s worth a few thousand bucks more.
Indeed, the common (English) term for hemorrhoids is piles. However, in the Philippines which had been Spanish-speaking for three centuries before the Americans came, it’s mostly called “almoranas” which must be Spanish for piles. Piles as a term somehow never caught on with us maybe because of the great possibility of mispronouncing it, i.e., pronouncing and syllabicating it in the Spanish or Mexican way, Many of us would probably read piles as “pee-lees” instead of “pyles.” Mexicans even in the U.S., believe it or not, still insist on pronouncing “pipeline” as “peepe-leeney.”
A young Filipina lass goes to a grocery store and says, “Pabili nga po ng pilis,”
“Ano, dilis? Ilang kilo,” she is asked.
“Hindi po, pilis. Pilis, po, yung may nodols.”
I personally believe that hemorrhoids, like many common chronic medical problems, such as, hypertension, diabetes or even bronchial asthma, can be controlled or managed by proper diet, a little know-how, and good hygiene or lifestyle. Let’s face it, many of these medical conditions, for one reason or another, will continue to plague modern man, especially the elderly, until and unless we can invent a completely different lifestyle. The key or operative word is “controlling or managing” the medical condition. In other words, while we may not be able to cure or get rid of the problem completely, there is a way to control or manage it in such a way that it does not control or take over our life.
It is unrealistic to expect that our bodies will continue to be healthy, disease-free and fully functional all throughout our lives. What is important is that, like some old reliable car, we continue to maintain a reasonably healthy body that is kept in good running condition, and if we’re lucky, with good trade-in value, in case anybody is still interested to buy. Speaking of cars, I found the following advice on the Internet which I am sharing here for all it’s worth.
Since childhood, and through no fault of mine, I have always suffered from bronchial asthma, severe, acute, and chronic. It is no exaggeration to say that there were many times when I could hardly breathe my mother would call our family doctor very quick and I was certain I was going to die. We lived in Baguio where the air is thin, cold and damp for most of the year. The rest of the year when the flowers are in bloom, the air is full of pollen. It’s the perfect setting to kill an asthmatic. As a puny gradeschooler, come rain, hail or snow, I was made to hike to school, a good 2 or 3 kilometers away, up and down the hills and valleys of this mountain city, carrying my army backpack loaded with books and notebooks. Many times along the way I would have to stop and gasp for air, my lips blue from the cold and lack of oxygen. Nobody evidently ever told my parents that strenuous physical exercise can and does trigger a fatal asthma attack.
The trouble with most medical doctors is they try to cure you the only way they know how – by administering drugs or medicines. They don’t tell you what’s causing the problem so you’ll know how to prevent the disease or medical condition from recurring. Maybe it’s bad for their business, I’m not sure. It could be part of the cult of “mystery” they are sworn to maintain. In many cases, to be sure, they themselves don’t know what’s causing the problem.
In the case of asthma, for instance, doctors will usually tell you that it’s an allergy that’s causing the problem. Why it’s the bronchial tubes that get affected and not any other part of the body, they can’t tell you. They tell you your bronchial tubes get constricted, thus restricting the flow of air in and out of your lungs. They don’t bother to explain further that actually what happens is that it’s not your bronchial tubes that actually get constricted, it’s the passageway through your bronchial tubes that get constricted. The bronchial tubes themselves become swollen as a natural allergic reaction thereby constricting the passageway through those tubes. The remedy of course is to stop or minimize the swelling by introducing anti-allergy drugs, antihistamines or steroids. But that’s hardly half of the solution.
By God’s grace, I must say that, just like my hemorrhoids, I believe I have managed to put my asthmatic condition under control – and without any medication - at least enough for me to function normally, work, eat, play golf or badminton and beat half of the players half my age, without anybody noticing I suffer from a medical condition which doctors have finally diagnosed as “bronchial asthma, chronic, severe, acute.” Nowadays, I suffer asthma attacks only when I have what in medical lingo is called an “upper respiratory infection,” i.e., a cold or sore throat.
Again, I can only share my secret formula privately since it’s not “clinically or scientifically-proven or tested.”
Another problem with many doctors is of course that they suffer from an inherent, severe case of “conflict of interest.” Let’s face it, doctoring is a profession. As in all professions, there’s ethical matters to consider that somehow get in the way towards a lucrative source of income. Except for your lowly general practitioner in some remote 4th class municipality, the solution many doctors have found is to install some expensive medical apparatus or gadgets in their clinic, equip themselves with a medical laboratory and operate a drugstore located conveniently right beside their clinic. Some doctors of course nowadays also own and operate their own hospitals or are substantial shareholders of a major hospital corporation. Of course, mercifully, I have yet to hear of them engaging in the mortuary business and developing memorial parks.
Nowadays, many doctors hardly ever diagnose. Or, they may be losing the art of diagnostics. They tell the patient to go directly next door to their medical laboratory where he is told to provide stool, sperm, urine, saliva and blood samples. Then and only then is he given some prescription and told to buy some medicines at a drugstore conveniently located nearby which conveniently sells that particular type/brand of medicine. Speaking of convenience, in appropriate cases, the patient is directed to be confined immediately at the doctor’s hospital of choice and of course to bring a sack full of money. There he is told: You are so fortunate. We are giving you a new lease on life. You will survive. But we need to cut open your chest cavity for a quadruple by-pass.
I think I better end right here. I’ve been sitting too long and beginning to sound like some pain in the “proktos.” – JAMES L.
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butchcelestial wrote on Nov 17, '08
What can be more serious than a visit to a 'proctologist'! Unless you have a tendency to giggle when tickled there . . . hehehe
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"Why do I get the feeling that no one seems to take me seriously?"
Of course, we do, Kuya. Evidence is the number of comments your blogs elicit. The key or operative word, to borrow your expression, is "SEEMS". What "seems" may not necessarily be. In this case, seems "is not". Right you are, Dok Kuya: "The key or operative word is controlling or managing the medical condition." As in, or similar to, muscle control, mind control, emotion control, stress management, husband management, business mangement, whatever... Tama ka dyan Kuya Dok, as in many instances. As in |
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jeemsdee said
 Sorry, Kuya RENE, you lost me completely on your last learned remark. Even Google had trouble deciphering your thoughts. Malalim. Or pailalim. 
O, sige, gawin na lang siguro natin ang title na newspaper headline-type para English pa. Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung ano'ng language ang mga yan. Kapag pailalim na ang problema, and the bottomline is getting the better of us, gawin na lang nating title ang "Ass Wins Day".
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Mga Kuya, para nyo nang awa, tigilan niyo na yang inyong inspired bottomlines. And now, to elevate the quality of the discussion, will somebody pls. tell us how "lorem ipsum dolor sit amet..." got to be coined and what it means. I was told that it's not Latin, at least not any meaningful Latin.
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Hahahaha! You're right, Kuya Jeemsdee. "lorem ipsum dolor sit amet. . . . . " is a non-sensical quote. It is used by printing press people for typesetting purposes only. The line is used simply for its value in spacing, weighting, & designing typefaces. But somehow it traces its roots to the line ""Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit..." which allegedly means
"There is no one who loves pain itself, who seeks after it and wants to have it, simply because it is pain..." Hence, corrupted or bastardized line it may be, it still contributes to the discussion on the "mundane and the profane". (We might as well add the term "butane". There appears to be some gaseous similarity to the anatomical focus from whence "wind beneath my wings" emanate). |
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