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Men have forgotten how to grieve (Or, how to behave at wakes and funerals)
Maybe it could have something to do with my age. I noticed lately that friends and relatives seem to be dying on me on a regular basis nowadays. Only last night I went to the wake of a dear old family friend, a few years younger than me, a missionary nun who died after a lingering bout with what else, cancer – and its many mysterious complications. Since she had been staying at their congregation’s retirement home, there were dozens of other elderly nuns in attendance and in all stages of poor health mostly attributable to some degenerative or geriatric disease. I was told that there were no less than four other sisters currently undergoing chemotherapy, another way of saying they are also seriously ill. The day before they had just buried another sister who had died on the same day as our family friend. In the airline business, you might say all these elderly women have been herded into the “pre-departure lounge.”
The day before that the wife of the president of an association I belong to had died a couple of days after suffering an “aneurysm.” It was sudden and unexpected as she was relatively young and in good health. A classmate has been hospitalized and in serious condition for almost a month now and is expected to go anytime. My oldest best friends in Baguio are now completely bed-ridden.
What else can we do except to pray and offer our sympathies? My usual disposition as expressed in my text message to a grieving friend or relative these days will reads, “IN THIS VALLEY OF TEARS, WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO EXCEPT TO TRY TO CONSOLE ONE ANOTHER.”
I have also found the second part of the “Hail Mary” to be most appropriate or convenient. You might say it’s become my deadly weapon of choice which I would highly recommend. “Holy, Mary, mother of God, pray for us, sinners, now and at the hour of our death.”
One would think that death being as common and inevitable as life, we would know by now what to do and how to deal with the situation. Unfortunately, these days it seems it’s becoming more and more unmanageable if not downright bizarre, wild and unbecoming. Except for some vague old superstitious practices, it seems Filipinos in general have forgotten how or what to do at wakes and funerals.
Many wakes and funerals have become festive and social occasions. And, needless to say, a great windfall for funeral parlors, columbariums, as well as those in the “deadly“ business and allied industries, e.g., flower shops, catering services, seamstresses; and of course those in the “hereafter” business, including the professional prayer warriors selling their prayers in the form of “mass cards.” Long-lost friends and relatives suddenly surface. People who have not been on speaking terms will find a way to be civil to each other – if only for the sake of the dearly departed. It’s a class reunion, fraternity, neighborhood, family and labor union gathering all rolled into one.
The wealthier the deceased, the more spectacular and extravagant the whole affair would usually turn out to be. Now, when it’s a movie star or celebrity who dies, it’s a circus, and sometimes as scandalous and colorful as the life of the deceased. Now I understand the admonition, “As you live, so shall you die.”
Mariners say you can tell the size of the ship by the waves it leaves behind. Similarly, you can tell who’s who by the tonnage and quality of the flower bouquets delivered at the wake. It were as if the family status, reputation and prestige depended on the quality and size of the wake. Some people have been known to regularly “gatecrash” at wakes for the seemingly inexhaustible free food and booze. Speaking of which, many of the poor who can’t afford mortuary services will hold the wake on the street fronting their house, complete with chairs, tables and tents usually supplied by the local councilor or barangay chairman. There will be EMPERADOR brandy laced with Red Horse beer flowing like it was going out of style. “TONG-ITS,” “pusoy,” and/or mahjong tables will be set up, ostensibly to raise money to defray food, drinks, and miscellaneous, excessive and exorbitant funeral expenses. It gets much worse if it happens to be election time. Then it becomes more like the grand national convention of the GOP.
What is worse, there is now a growing tendency to set up a rented “VIDEOKE” machine for the guests eager to display their vocal talents. It gets even worse in some rural towns where they will hire bands and orchestras to play all night long. In short, anything and everything to keep the guests well-fed, boozed and entertained, the downside of the vaunted “Filipino hospitality.”
What’s supposed to be basically an “hour of bereavement” has turned into a fiesta – a prelude to the real feast of the dead known simply as “UNDAS,” which in the Philippines is the rough equivalent of a carnival or “mardigras.”
One would think that there should be different kinds of wakes depending on the manner of death involved. Some deaths are understandably painful and sudden. Some may be accidental or suicidal; or thoroughly unexpected; politically motivated; a “senseless” murder or following a long and lingering disease; or the much-awaited death of a very, very old and sickly person, in contrast to the so-called “untimely demise” of a young and promising individual. On the contrary, after a very brief grieving if hysterical period, everything and everyone appears to be happy and having a jolly good time – true to the warning that emotions are rather tricky and frivolous, like women.
The Church and those in the transcendental business must be partly to blame. They keep giving us confusing and conflicting doctrines surrounding death and the hereafter. They tell us “death is not the end” but more the beginning of something infinitely more interesting. Hence, to rejoice and be glad. As the teenagers would say, “Yeah, right.”
There is something disagreeably hollow if insensitive about such a posture. Didn’t some nutty prophet named Ecclesiastes proclaim “there is a time and a season for everything…” “a time to be born and a time to die.. “ Hence, logically a time for grieving and a time for rejoicing? Didn’t Jesus weep at the sight of a dead Lazarus (Jn. 11:33)?
So, what is one supposed to do, what are the right words to say when he learns about the death of a friend or loved one or of someone critically ill or dying? How does one behave at wakes and funerals? How to commiserate without feeling guilty or hypocritical? Is it right to reassure the inconsolable widow that everything will be alright, that death is really “nothing?” As in “O, death where is thy sting?” 1Cor.15:51. Nevermind, my dear, our dearly departed is now in heaven?
Thus far it seems we have found only one acceptable word: “CONDOLENCE.” It’s not even a sentence, just that one word will do - “Condolence.” It’s your password to the buffet table. Don’t even try to use it in a complete sentence or you’ll stammer all over the place. And here it’s pronounced “KON’dolens,” with the accent on the first syllable. In the dialect it’s “Nakikiramay po.” (As in “namamasko po,” as one is ushered to the buffet table).
Women generally seem to be better at grieving or pretending to. They have learned since childhood that tears and their lachrymal glands summoned at the right time and place can produce the desired results and are as powerful and effective as the soothing words of an eloquent preacher. Also, women can engage the grieving widow in a tight embrace without raising some eyebrows. Men in general find it rather unmanly to weep and cry and definitely may not get carried away while hugging the bereaved lady without arousing something.
Speaking of which, there’s the practice at some necrological services where eulogies become like oratorical or declamation contests, the eulogers trying hard to outdo one another as if to see who generates the most tears. Politicians have become rather proficient in this practice and are not beyond shedding a crocodile tear or two, if necessary.
The oldest cultures, such as the Chinese and Indians have always had set ways and traditions governing important occasions such as weddings and funerals. But because the Filipino culture, or lack of it, is relatively young, we are not burdened or to be bothered with obligatory practices on what to do or not do on such occasions. I appreciate the praying part where at least there is some effort to focus attention on the one “lying in state.” What is that, “lying in state?” Otherwise, the deceased is virtually all but forgotten at the wake.
Finally, there’s the matter of the so-called “Abuloy” or donation. I personally believe this is the best part of the wake. It’s like putting your money where your mouth is, unless the wake is at Forbes Park. In other words, let your money express the depth and breadth of your grief. This practice should be encouraged and given prominence and eventually institutionalized. How about hugging the widow or the bereaved while slipping an envelope into her hands? If everybody gave P100-1,000 for every hugging and kissing and handshake going on at funerals, it may just console the bereaved ones that God does work in mysterious ways. – JAMES D. LANSANG (jeemsdee@yahoo.com)
In faith... bes... death is a feast really... that is why saints feasts are on their death day not birth day... i agree with all the fanfare that have come up in our wakes... specially the pakita type although one cannot generalize...
But my life in tocmo has lead me to appreciate and value the ibaloi customs re wakes and funerals... some of our ways have crept in.. but there are beautiful rites.. and social customs .. one day i will still share on this... the solidarity is terrific... there are the shadow sides too... but on the whole... it is quite edifying... by the way i was happy for the consideration shown to myrns.. and her family. we have become her extended family in a way... there is a streak in you that cannot resist a dig at women... where does it come from? |
jeemsdee said
 Many wakes and funerals have become festive and social occasions. And, needless to say, a great windfall for funeral parlors, columbariums, as well as those in the “deadly“ business and allied industries, e.g., flower shops, catering services, seamstresses; and of course those in the “hereafter” business, including the professional prayer warriors selling their prayers in the form of “mass cards.” 
I remember the Marcos years when wags insisted that KBL meant Kasal, Binyag, at Libing. And when the PBA era came, ganoon pa rin -- Patay, Binyag, at Anniversary. Masakit mang isipin ang kamatayan, nakukuha pa rin nating mga Pinoy na makunan ito ng kabuhayan at kaligayahan. This is because sometimes death is the reason why we are alive, or why some people are alive. Mahirap kitain ang pera; saan pa madaling maghanap ng pagkain kundi sa mga lamay, sa mga binyagan, at sa mga kasalan? Ito nga siguro ang tunay na ibig sabihin ng underground economy.
Sabi mo pa nga "It’s not even a sentence, just that one word will do - condolence. It’s your password to the buffet table". Kung one word lang ang password sa mga lamayan, isang sentence ba ang kasalan? At ano ang cause kung bakit may binyagan – isang missed period lang? |
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