Where have all my grand dreams gone? – Pardon me, but I think I’m having one of my most dreaded nightmares. I’m looking back at my life and three words hit me hard: folly, faulty, failure. There was a time in my life when I wanted to make a difference, to change the world. There was a time in my life when I thought I had some of the answers, some of the solutions to world problems that nobody ever thought of. There was a time when I thought the world would listen to some of my nuggets of wisdom. Not anymore. Nowadays, my general feeling as I get up reluctantly in the morning is to shout: “Stop, this is where I get off!”
In my younger days, I thought, I dreamt of becoming a swashbuckling hero on a pirate ship, a cowboy, a movie actor like Glenn Ford, Errol Flynn, Tyrone Power, Johnny Weismuller (the first Tarzan), or Stewart Granger. I would design and wear an iron facemask to protect me (my eyes, especially) from all my enemies. I was an expert in street fencing. I carved my own spinning tops that could smash my playmates’ tops in combat. I won boxes and boxes of bubblegum cards, marbles, rubber bands and anything else that street children played with or wagered on. The fighting spiders I collected were the terror of the whole town, or so I thought. I also had an impressive collection of comic books imported from the USA (since nothing was being printed locally at the time). As a young boy of 10 or 11, I could hold my own even against jeepney drivers in an intense game of “cara y cruz,” blackjack or dice (7-11) with real (adult) money.
Needless to say, my childhood dreams were doomed for failure.
One fine summer day, after I had just graduated from elementary school, two SVD priests, while vacationing in Baguio, managed to talk me into entering the seminary to become a missionary and help Christianize all those pagans in Africa and other foreign lands. It sounded good and irresistible to me at the time. Thus, at a tender age of 13 or 14 years, I was indoctrinated into the religious life where piety and Latin were the immediate goals to aspire for and anything worldly or mundane to be shunned or totally abandoned. Indeed, the portals of the seminary might as well have posted a sign at the door: “Abandon all worldly desires, all ye who pass through this door.” Thus, within a few months, I had all but forgotten all my childhood dreams and found myself completely embracing the religious way of life and all it entailed. But, as it turned out, I really did not know what I was getting myself into.
My dreams of proselytizing pagans in Africa inexplicably got lost, gone.
So, four years later, when my brother John and I decided to leave the seminary (pls. check out my earlier blog on “You are what you were in high school”), I found myself enrolling for college with absolutely no idea what course to pursue or career to aspire for. So, I enrolled in a BSChem. course. It was a disaster. I was bombarded with math subjects like Trigonometry, Analytical Geometry, and Calculus which up to now I have absolutely no idea what they are all about. It was a whole waste of time.
I was a complete failure in my early college years.
One day, a visiting uncle (Uncle Joe, then Dean of the College of Journalism at Lyceum in Manila), observing my predicament, then suggested to Mommy that I try to take up law. So, I did. However, since we never had any relatives in that field, I had absolutely no clue what the law subjects would be all about nor what lawyers are supposed to do. I was a few years into the law course when our sainted mother died of cancer. She was 48. It was a big blow on all of us. We were 11 children, our youngest siblings then were only 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 years old. Most of our hopes and dreams at the time had been resting on Mommy’s shoulders.
I barely managed to pass the bar. It was no big deal in our family who probably thought it was simply a routine part of the whole law course. In fact, I remember going to the Supreme Court in Manila and signing on the lawyer’s roll all by my lonesome. No congratulations, no party, no pictures. Come to think of it, I can’t even find my Supreme Court Certificate anymore (I do recall it was signed by Chief Justice Cesar Bengzon).
Despite all the rigors and hassles of the profession, I thought I was doing relatively well in my modest law practice in Baguio, despite the rotten system. Until Marcos suddenly declared martial law. For a while, there was no longer any law practice to speak of. And then it all became a farce. How could there be courts, lawyers and even law schools when Marcos was the law and the Constitution, for all intents and purposes. Eventually, he would own or lay claim to all businesses and industries of any consequence in the Philippines, by himself and/or through his cronies or dummies. In his effort to perpetuate himself in power, he issued decrees and orders which eventually managed to set back our legal system for at least another 50 years. Marcos ruined my career in law.
My dreams of becoming a lawyer of consequence, pffft, gone.
In the meantime, wouldn’t you know it, Fr. Paul Bollen, CICM, our Belgian parish priest, suddenly paid me a visit from out of the blue. I was not a particularly religious person as a young lawyer. I couldn’t afford to be. Lawyers are related to or descended from sharks or crocodiles, not from apes.
“Have you ever heard of the cursillo?” Fr. Bollen asked me. “No, Father, I have not. I hope it’s not the latest incurable disease?” I honestly did not know.
“No, no, it’s some sort of a religious retreat or movement,” Fr. Bollen explained, “and I would like to ask you to attend it with me in Sta. Barbara, Pangasinan. After that, the Bishop would like us to conduct cursillos in the entire Vicariate of Mt. Province.” This was in the late 60’s. Somehow I thought then – God calls. Who am I to refuse?
For the next decade or so, much of my time was spent around the cursillo phenomenon. It was good while it lasted. We would go as far as Bangued, Abra, La Union and other neighboring provinces to conduct cursillos or to attend grand “ultreyas.” I almost completely forgot about my work, family, career, social and other obligations. I lived and breathed cursillo. The movement took me to some quaint little towns and places like Dupax, Nueva Vizcaya, that most people never even heard of. Eventually, however, as with most wildfires, the cursillo was gone.
Was it a failure? I wouldn’t know. I was in too deep in the trenches.
When I moved to Manila, that’s when I heard of and joined the XVD. It was touch and go at first. For a while, as with most ex-seminarians, we were not really sure whether we were coming or going. My own impression is that many did not wish to get too involved, afraid that the organization, much like the cursillo, had no track record as yet, and might eventually fail or die a natural death. Nobody wants to be identified with failure of any sort. Others I thought were secretly looking to rub elbows with some “successful” ex-seminarians. But the XVD was not like that at all. Most of the guys are goodwilled and good-natured.
I was just beginning to settle down in Manila when somebody decided to kill Ninoy Aquino. Then things really began to fall apart. The people working in the buildings in Makati did nothing but attend rallies and throw confetti out of their windows. Many people decided to leave the Philippines. It was the Philippine diaspora. And the rest as they would say is history. And politics. And then some, and about which this blogsite is committed to avoid making any commentary.
The only thing I can say about my law career is that it never really took off. It was another wrong career choice. I was never cut out to be a lawyer. I was too honest, too sincere. I like to think I have a soul. Lawyers have no soul.
Now that I seem to be older and the wiser, I have tried to avoid entertaining any more grand illusions about whatever else I have decided to do with the rest of my life. Now it seems my favorite pastime is looking out for my limitations, faults, and frailties. All is not lost, however. After all the follies and failures, I may have learned a few lessons here and there. Here are some of them:
1. I must not take life too seriously. It seems nobody does. And nobody cares. This world has little regard for arrogant thinkers and profound philosophers. People would rather watch TV and listen to stand-up comedians, magicians, gossip mongers, play inane video games, exchange silly jokes, check out the YOUTUBE, or be entertained by shallow Bible-quoting preachers.
2. The world has a strange and curious way of viewing success and failure.
3. Most of the time, if one has lots of money, however one has acquired it, he is considered the smart one, the clever one, the successful one. He deserves and commands everyone’s attention, admiration, and even respect and awe.
4. The world has an interesting way of recognizing and rewarding talent. Professional boxers, football and baseball players, golfers and tennis players are paid hundreds of millions of dollars to punch, punt, kick or play some children’s games. People will riot and take to the streets as if their very lives depended on the outcome of a soccer game. Meanwhile, teachers and college professors have to go on a hunger strike to get some meager cost of living allowance.
5. Comedians, singers, actors and entertainers, such as, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jollie, have the whole world at their feet and worshiping the very ground they walk on. Some of the most popular TV programs are all about the lives and lifestyles of the rich and famous. The silliest of movies, such as, Spiderman, Batman, Shrek, Transformer, Harry Potter, Pirates of the Carribean, have grossed billions of dollars which could have easily fed all the starving millions in Africa. On the other hand, it may not be such a good idea since the money may just go into the pockets of corrupt government officials and thus aid and abet perpetuating them in power.
6. People have really very little control over their lives and destinies. We only think we do. Fortunately, Patrick Henry may have been correct. There is a just and faithful God who watches over the destinies of men and nations and who will fight our battles for us. Or, so I pray.
7. Or, as Jesus Christ himself suggested, “consider the lilies of the fields …the birds of the air …” (Lk.12:27; Mt. 6:29). So, why fret?
8. In case you haven’t realized it yet, it pays to learn how to pray or to have a few prayer warriors on your side. With all of my faults and monumental failures, it’s a wonder how I ever managed to survive and to care for those whom God entrusted to me. I can only attribute it to the incessant prayers of some people close to me, who must have seen my desperation in all my faults, follies and failures; such as, my own sainted mother, her sister (Imang Openg) – a contemplative nun of the Carmelite order; my own sister, Alice, now a retired missionary sister (ICM) who spent most of her life living as a missionary in the jungles of Brazil; my favorite first cousin, Sr. Mary Bernard, OSB; my first cousin, the late Fr. Boni Guanlao, SVD; etc. When things are looking bleak, out of your control, when you feel helpless or don’t know what to do, it’s good to know you have some people who are constantly storming the gates of heaven for you to simply survive. Sometimes, I also try to remind our God about all the prayers and rosaries I recited in all my years in the seminary. Like Job, I would pray: “Remember, Lord, that I used to pray to you every quarter of every hour of every day for four and a half years? Does that count for naught?”
9. Preaching is next to useless. People simply will not listen. Or, will not remember. Or, will hear only what they wish to hear. Or, will ultimately insist on doing what they pretty much wish to do. Jesus Christ realized that almost too late. (Read John 13 – 17). Or, better yet, simply walk the talk.
10. If you still entertain notions of having people remember you, try to consider if you even care to remember who or what the headline was in last week’s newspaper. If you are lucky, just about the only thing that might never be forgotten is some kind thought, word or deed you extended to someone in an hour of great need. JAMES L
So far, Kuya Jeemsdee, this is your most interesting blog: your life in a capsule or should I entitle it "Life - the King James Version"? For a while, I was tempted to say "Lanz' Blog Ministry" but, just as quick as I thought about it, I dropped the idea because the acronym may suggest something insidiously irreverent. O, wala pong left-handed dyan.
Reading your blog is quite an experience. At one point, I'm led into my own introspection, like when your musings turn Darth Vader dark. (Darth Vader dark? Well, they use passion blue, shy pink, ribald green, don't they? Why can't there be Darth Vader dark?). But I digress. At another, I burst into careless laughter, like when you say, “Have you ever heard of the cursillo?. . . I hope it’s not the latest incurable disease?” or "I was not a particularly religious person as a young lawyer. I couldn’t afford to be. Lawyers are related to or descended from sharks or crocodiles, not from apes". Any which way, you can be the Lord of the Wring. |
Tnx, Rene, for your usual kind and profound commentaries. I find it personally fulfilling to realize that I am able somehow to lead you into a reflective mood and even stimulate you to wax poetic. Or, is it because your prose sounds like poetry. You write well. Once in a while it's good for us to sing "what's it all about, Alfie, is it just for the moment we live ... when we sort it out ..." Tnx agn. Stay in touch.
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Ah, sinabi ba talaga ni Confucius yon, Kuya Jeemsdee? Hindi ko kasi maintindihan si Confucius. Sa pagkaalam ko, it will take years before I can understand him. Katulad nito, ang alam kong sinabi niya ay, "Wang kah neh tang ching kwai 他在玻璃房子里居住，礼服在地下室". What does he mean by that?
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Kuya Rene, you are just beginning to amaze me. I have to confess that I have absolutely no clue on the real teachings of Mr. Confucius, nor even romanized mandarin. I merely attributed the comment to him to give it a semblance of respectability and culture. sori. i should have realized that there are some discerning readers like you to put me in check.
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Manong James,
Your blog reminded me much of Randy Pausch Last Lecture. The childhood dreams, the head fakes , lessons learned. But of course yours is much better since you speak out our common experience. Keep on blogging and crystallizing our shared tradition and experiences. |
oro2 said
 Manong James,Your blog reminded me much of Randy Pausch Last Lecture. The childhood dreams, the head fakes , lessons learned. But of course yours is much better since you speak out our common experience. Keep on blogging and crystallizing our shared tradition and experiences. 
Hi, Tad, tnx for your compliments. They inspire me to continue in this lonely blogging road. However, I don't think I deserve to be compared with the late Randy Pausch who was a class act par excellence. You do write well yourself and I have gone over some of your "deviant" art works which reveal your promising talents. tnx agn. keep in touch.
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I couldn't help but comment on the cursillo. My father died promoting it while en route to Vigan in 1966 to conduct one course as its Rector. My uncle, Fr. Amancio Joaquin, also died with him as they were together in that ill-fated 4 seater Piper Cherokee plane that flew smack into the typhoon that was battering Ilocos that morning of August 27, 1966. They were never found. I guess, my brother Bert now knows the real score what really happened that fateful day.
But do continue dreaming grand, Kuya James. It makes old people young , and young people bold. As I said before, you never cease to amaze me, Kuya James. Dapat nag-cursillo ka. |
I heard abt that ill-fated flight. Father mo pala and uncle. Ksama yta nila si Bro. Gomez, kapatid ni Manolo Gomez, asawa ng 1st cousin ko. Mayaman siya pero virtually gave up everything to go arnd conducting cursillos fulltime. Small world. We could have been on the same plane together. Ano ibig mo sabihin "dapat nagcursillo ka" - mahigit nga 10 yrs ako nagconduct ng cursillo. but tnx for your kind comments.
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It was an understatement. I should have said: "Kuya James, dapat nag-pari ka."
More power to you and keep on blogging. Para akong nag-aaral ulit ng Philo at Theo. P.S. Oh yes, Bro. Vic Gomez was with them. And true, he selflessly dedicated himself to the movement. Very rare, indeed, coming as he did from the moneyed class of Forbes Park. P.S.2 Sina Glenn Ford, Errol Flynn, Stewart Granger, Tyrone Power & Johnny "Tarzan" Weismuller ba ay mga brod mo sa Cursillo??? Just asking. Ang mga ka-batch ko kasi ay sina Tyrone Cimafranca. |
Rejoinder: Here's what your friend Bill Gates has to add to your "few lessons learned":
THE BILL GATES RULES Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. |
Sabi ko na nga. Nobody listens to losers like me. People will only look up to, lap up and emulate what the celebrities, the famous, the people with money or those who give away money have to say or do. Why do you think they ask Aga Mulach or Sharon Cuneta, and not me, to endorse McDo. I'm sure I go to McDo more often than those guys. Life is not fair - and I'll never get used to it.
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vj329 said
P.S.2 Sina Glenn Ford, Errol Flynn, Stewart Granger, Tyrone Power & Johnny "Tarzan" Weismuller ba ay mga brod mo sa Cursillo??? Just asking. Ang mga ka-batch ko kasi ay sina Tyrone Cimafranca.
VJ, ewan ko ikaw, hindi nko natatawa. Ka-batch ko Fr. Floresca.
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vj329 said
Kuya James, I was thinking of Rule 11 when I sent you the rejoinder. When do I start working for you??? Joke lang.
Ayoko sayo, kay Bill G kana lang. Mas bilib ka sa mga may pera or yun namimigay ng pera, like Willi Revillame or Tito vic n Joey. But I'll let you have the last word.
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abayadeguia wrote on Aug 4, '08
Manong James,
Si Paga ito. Tad is my son whose site I unkowingly used when I replied. But your encouraging words were a pleasant surprise for me, Tad and my family. It goes to show your nurturing and enabling nature even to strangers. |
Hi, MANONG PAGA, glad to hear frm you and your explanation. Happens to me too whenever I try using somebody else's laptop or cpu. tnx agn for visiting my site and going over some of my blogs. It's readers like you who nurture my waning energy to blog. keep in touch
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